Monday's Musings: The Secret of a Happy Marriage

It really probably isn't a big secret, but judging by the divorce rate in our country, I thought I'd share some of my thoughts on the subject.  Kirk and I have been married for 14 1/2 years.  Of course there have been some rough patches.  We're humans and we live in a fallen world.  I love to spend money and Kirk is, um, let's just say "frugal."  I like things at least tidy, Kirk is the king of "putting something here just for now."  (He's actually gotten better in this area - better than I have gotten better at managing money.)  Anyway, in spite of these things, we have an amazing marriage.  We are best friends and we totally get each other.  The thing that baffles me is - I'm pretty sure most other couples feel the same way when they're dating.  They love to be around each other and feel like they have found someone who they can understand and who understands them (well, guys at least try to understand women - women don't understand women).  So, what happens?
When I was in college, I had the opportunity to attend Focus on the Families Institute for Family Studies.  (It's called something different now.)  It was a semester program where we took different classes on Public Policy, Bible, and of course family related courses.  In one of the classes, we had a unit on sex in marriage.  Looking back, that's pretty funny/crazy we spent a week on the topic in a group of unmarried men and women, who were trying to live lives of purity, anyway....  We had to pick one of three books, and write a paper at the end of the unit.  I honestly can't remember the book I picked, but my roommate picked a book called The Sexual Man by Archibald Hart.  This book was based on a study the author had compiled and given to a fairly large number of pastors and strong Christian men.  All I remember is my roommate being completely shocked and pretty much in disgust about men in general after reading this.  Seeing her reaction, I thought, "Hmm...I'll have to buy that book with my amazing student discount in the bookstore, and see what all the fuss is about."  I did, and it took me probably about 6 years to actually read the book.  I had been married for most of that time, and can't say that I was as shocked as my roommate from the book, but I was intrigued by the "real-ness" the author had attempted to bring into the church in this area.  Guess what....men like sex....a lot!  Shocker, huh?  The thing this book really made clear is that this is how God created men!  For so long, I guess since the feminist movement maybe, we've been trying to make men more feminine.  They need to get in touch with their feelings and share their emotions more, be more sensitive, etc.  Well, here is another shocking statement - men and women are different.  Most women don't have sexual needs in the way our husbands do.  In the same way, we do have relational needs that most men don't require as much.  Our culture has tried, in the name of "gender equality" to make men  like women, and vice versa, but that really doesn't end well.  The point of this blog post is not to discuss "the glass ceiling" or equal salaries in the workplace...I'm talking about happy marriages here, so let's take it to the home - women and men are still different.
Right now, Kirk and I are participating in a Bible study called "Love & Respect."  The basic gist of the entire study is - God calls men to love their wives, and women to respect their husbands.  It's not that women don't need respect and men don't need love, but it's not their primary need.  If you don't believe me, check out Ephesians 5:33 where Paul says "...each one of you also must love is wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."  It's been a great learning experience to find out what it really means to respect Kirk, but in most ways, we've been very affirmed that we are doing a pretty good job of both loving and respecting each other.  This last session was presented by a woman (the rest have all been by her husband), and she said some things that I really appreciated.  A woman had told her mother that she was fed up and ready to get out of her marriage.  Her mother asked her how their love life was.  OK, that would be a little weird coming from your mom, but when the woman responded that it wasn't so great and she wasn't really interested, the mom said "Why aren't you doing something that takes so little time and makes him so happy?"  The speaker also posed the question to women in the audience, "What would happen if your husband went 3 days without talking to you? 3 weeks? 3 months?"  Most women would NOT stand for that!  For some reason, I figured this out really early in our marriage.  I realized if I made Kirk food and kept him physically satisfied, things were pretty good, and he, in turn did more to love me.  It's so beautiful how that works.
Something that someone in our Bible study said really was impacting.  She has been married and divorced twice.  Her first marriage ended with her husband cheating on her.  As an older woman, she admits she would have done many things different, but she said she has realized that she viewed her main role in their family as the "homemaker."  She made sure their house was spotless, meals were cooked, calendars were organized, etc.  She also said she and her husband were GREAT friends, she just knows now that they should have been great LOVERS, too.
Maybe this is overly simplistic -  and of course, I'm assuming people are good-hearted here - they want great marriages and there's no abuse or craziness going on - but, speaking from experience, it works.  Kirk and I are definitely not the older part of  our Bible study, but we have been married for longer than most, and have had happy years the entire time.
I guess this post is probably directed mostly at women.  I understand the demands you have placed on you.  You have a house to run, babies to care for, meals to cook, and for some of you, the responsibility of bringing home the bacon - the last thing you want to do is be sexy -  but like I mentioned before, it really doesn't take that long, and it makes him SO happy.  One other thing the speaker in our Bible Study mentioned is so true - before we get married the enemy (Satan) tries so hard to get us to have sex, after we're married, he tried so hard to get us NOT to.  In relation to this, I leave you with my other main advice I give young brides...remember that you're on the same team.  Satan is trying so hard to tear families apart and pit couples against each other, but your spouse in NOT your enemy, God gave him or her to you for you to be a team.  I would love to hear others' marriage thoughts.  Have a great Monday!

Random Ramblings

I'm taking a day off from my normal blog routine (hey...I'm allowed to do that, right?)  Anyway, I had so many random things rolling around in my brain, I thought I'd just get them down on here today.  Did I mention it's going to be random;)?

I saw this picture yesterday and laughed out loud.  My dogs started barking at me - I guess they thought something must be wrong?  This picture definitely confirms that I'm a nerd.  My husband, although he is an accountant, probably isn't a nerd - I had to explain it to him.  If you fit into the "not nerd" category, let me know and I'll explain it to you.

Here's another picture for the nerds:  (Woot, Woot!)

Alright...this is a really cool tip I found the other day online.  I kinda hate buying refills for my swiffer wetjet, but it seemed like any methods I had heard before (using a syringe) would take waaay too much time and energy.  Well, click here and see a really easy method for reusing those bottles. You're welcome.

Taken from "Lifehacker"

I found such a cute treat that would be adorable to take to a Thanksgiving feast.  Click here for a link to this easy yummyness.  I found this on the blog called "The Next Bird."  It looks like there is a lot of neat ideas on this blog. I'm followin'.

from "The Next Bird"

Speaking of which, click here for another cool trick/craft/way to save something you messed up this blogger has posted.  Now my wheels are turning thinking of things to make "original."

from "The Next Bird"

OK, I'll leave you with one last thing I found on Pinterest (my new favorite website).  This kind of actually fits with my normal "Friday Fun Day" theme - especially if you are in the nerd camp!

Here is the link to the website for directions on a simple, little kids yahtzee game.  They even have a pdf so you can print off the game and play right away (if you can find your dice).

from Kidscount1234.com

Stay tuned tomorrow.  I'm going to post my very first "tutorial" of a craft I created from start to finish.  I know...Tuesday is craft day, but this is partly for Thanksgiving, so I thought I should post a little sooner.  I'm feeling slightly proud of myself:)

How many children are too many?

Unless you're living under a rock (I'm pretty close to that) you most likely know the Duggar family is expecting their 20th child next spring.  I first saw the big news on my Yahoo home page when I was getting ready to check email.  I read the story, then made the mistake of reading through many of the comments.  I think I counted about 3 positive comments out of about a thousand negative ones.  Most people I actually know don't have any problem with the Duggar brood, and the few people I've discussed it with are excited for them.  I have never met the Duggars personally, so the only thing I know about them is from their show, books, or website.  Judging from that, and NOT the vast amount of opinions out there, they seem like the real deal to me.  They didn't go looking for fame - it came courting them. 
The main reason I'm probably most interested in what people are generally saying about the Duggars, is because, although we have a way smaller family, we do have a lot of the same views, and I have some concerns about some of the things I've heard lately regarding children.
I read an AP article in the newspaper recently that discussed preparing to become a parents much like how to buy a new car.  It may as well have said, "Make sure you have enough money for fuel, insurance, and maintenance!"  There is also PSA I've heard on the radio a couple of times that describes having a baby completely from an economic standpoint, encouraging couples to really weigh the costs and benefits.  REALLY?  That's what a baby is?  An economic investment?  If that is really what you're looking for, I guess you really will be disappointed.
I get it.  Kids are expensive.  So are cable television, eating out all the time, brand new cars, and large houses.  I don't have anything against anyone who spends money on these things I've mentioned, but those are all much more socially acceptable than bringing a new life into the world.  We get asked all the time how in the world we make it.  I'm a stay-at-home-mom, and we just moved to a large (certainly not perfect) house this year.  I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that God has provided for us.  We live in, what I like to call, "Opposite World."  It doesn't make ANY sense that we are doing better now financially, than when we had just 2 children.  All I can do is quote Psalm 127:3-5 and state emphatically that it hasn't been anything we have done:

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from Him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are the children born in one's youth.
Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.

Without a doubt, it's probably not a good idea to get married and start a family just to have financial success, but I know for us, we made a decision that we felt God was leading us to fully put our TRUST in Him in the area of family planning, and He has never ever let us down.
I can't even say that I've had perfect, problem-free pregnancies and deliveries, but I believe every time something hasn't gone according to plan, God has used that situation for His Glory and as a chance to turn our eyes completely to Him.  I know Michelle Duggar has also received a lot of criticism because of her last baby's premature birth.  First of all, what happened in this pregnancy could happen to any woman who has any amount of children, but people fail to remember that this baby is doing great right now, and so is Michelle!  Many people have said, "Aren't the children you already have enough!?!"  Just because something very difficult happens doesn't mean that you change your life's values as a result.  Most people don't give up driving if they have suffered through a car accident.
Another major criticism of the Duggars is their use of resources.  This one always drives me crazy to hear from people in this country.  I seriously doubt anyone has gone without a meal because they live near the Duggars.  Speaking for my family, yes, we do have a very big van that doesn't get great gas mileage (sorry, we can't fit the Rohdes in a Prius), but since we only need to drive this when we are all together going somewhere, it gets out of the garage about 1 to 2 times a month.  We do use paper plates for most meals, but from an ecological standpoint, we would use more water to wash dishes than it costs to produce and buy paper plates. The Duggars have done episodes on thrift store shopping.  We have been so blessed to receive clothes from many friends.  My friends have good taste, and thankfully, we have had to purchase very little clothing for our kids, and when we do, our first stop is undoubtedly a thrift store first.  Instead of using a crazy amount of resources, I feel like many large families are great at being "resourceful," and making the most of what they have.  I guess living in Wyoming, someone may have a very difficult time convincing me how "overpopulated" this world is.
One question a lot of people have for Michelle Duggar is how she can truly take care of all of those kids.  I've heard, "There is no way she can give all those kids the attention they need and deserve."  On a smaller scale, I've heard the same thing.  One thing I think people forget is CHILDREN GROW UP!  I would be shocked if the Duggar's oldest was coming around everyday looking for mommy's attention.  Having 20 babies to take care of would be REALLY hard, but Michelle has all ages.  Not many children want their parents following them around participating in everything they do (nor is this healthy.) Of course, the Duggar children probably aren't involved in every extra-curricular activity out there, but some of the harried, over-busy children we have running around society today would probably welcome that.  Do they work hard?  Probably, but it seems from what I have seen that they make it fun.  When parents wait on their children hand and foot, they send them into the real world without a true understanding of WORK.  This is something I'm trying to get better at.  I tend to do more for my kids than I should, because I have a hard time letting go of some perfectionism, but I'm truly not doing my kids any favors by not making them take responsibility around the house.
I know the Duggars have  the view that their daughters should stay under their parent's roof until they get married.  This is completely NOT a popular view in this society, but having done more or less the same thing myself, I can definitely see it's benefits.  (I'll probably save that can of worms for another blog.)  I'll leave you today with this you tube video.  I saw it a few years ago, and all I can say is - we are doing our part to prevent a Muslim takeover:)

What expecting mothers can expect others to say when they're expecting...and other pregnancy stuff

OK, I have to start by saying this blog is along the same lines as my blog about the book Free Range Kids.  I think people can get way out of hand when they are pregnant and trying to deliver a perfect baby.  The reason I believe this comes from my basic, foundational belief that all babies are miracles, and in reality, we have little control in their arrival into this world.  First let me assure you... I do believe in prenatal care, and have even found myself thankful for some of the things doctors have the ability to diagnose and treat,but that being said, I think we tend to give doctors far too much credit for knowing everything about our pregnancy, delivery, and postpartum care.
If I knew anything about computers, I would make a graphic that shows the rank of how I see who is in charge here.  WAY up on the top would be God, down a long ways would be doctors, and almost neck and neck with doctors would be the mother.  In some cases, I would say the mother is higher than the doctor, but it just depends.
Anyway, since I'm pregnant with my 8th child right now, this topic is very much on the front of my mind.  My ideas have evolved throughout my pregnancies, but basically I've held the same belief all along - people need to chill. 
When I was pregnant with my first, I was offered money (I can't remember how much it was - $10?) to go to a class for pregnant women discussing nutrition during pregnancy.  At this early point in motherhood, I was already pretty sure that it was ok to eat anything, in moderation.  I mean, it seemed that if I really listened to my body and tried to feed it what it was asking for, I would be okay.  I learned (not at this class) that if my body was asking for things like dirt or paint chips, I was missing some nutrients, but other than that, just EAT already!  The instructors proclaimed that eating cold cuts, unless thoroughly cooked (yuck) made us in danger of getting listeria.  I can't remember the reason against this, but the funniest thing to me was them telling us not to eat soft cheeses like Feta.  How on earth have the Greeks made it this far?!?!  There may be a bunch of Mediterranean women coming at these experts with clubs and rakes if they try to take away their Feta!  I'm pretty sure they also said fish was bad (mercury).  When they were finished, they had a room full of good-hearted mommies (except me, I guess) that were afraid to eat anything but cheese (only hard kinds) and crackers for the rest of their pregnancies - oh and if they were going to nurse, until they were done with that.
I have another confession to make....I have had Starbucks throughout all my pregnancies.  This definitely fits into the same category as normal food - in moderation, it's fine!  So far (my oldest is 10) I haven't noticed (or maybe am to jittery to see) any adverse effects from my caffeine intake when I am pregnant.  And, if you ask my husband, you would have to pry the white cup with the green lady on it out of my cold, dead fingers.
Do you have a cat?  This furry, lovable creature can harbor horrible deadly diseases in its litter box, so BEWARE and never go near cat poop!  There is a parasite that can give a woman Toxoplasmosis, which is a serious thing.  However, the chances of getting is are extraordinarily rare (and a lot of women are already immune, too), even though this parasite can be found in other places besides just cat doo-doo (it can be in raw meat, gardens, etc.).  I don't know about you, but I have never cleaned the litter box out with my hand - the scoop is my friend.  AND, I always wash my hands after touching the friendly scoop.  Of course, I don't mind if someone else wants to clean the litter box for me, but I don't think it's smart to live in fear if I happen to clean it.
One recommendation that has always made me laugh is advice on sleeping positions for moms-to-be.  I remember my mother-in-law telling me she heard it was best for the baby to sleep on her back.  This was in the 70's.  Now they say sleep on your left side.  I say - SLEEP!  For me, it's never really comfortable to sleep on my back, and obviously it's really hard to sleep on my tummy, but I'm pretty sure I would have incredible bed sores if I only slept on my left side.  It makes me sad to think that there are mommies out there losing sleep because they are afraid of not being on the correct side.  Sleep is so precious when you're pregnant!
I certainly don't want to make light of all the tragic things that have happened to babies whose mothers used drugs or abused alcohol.  And there are examples of good-hearted mothers who took medicines prescribed to them by their doctors that had horrible consequences on the infants.  As I said before, I do believe in prenatal care (although for me, the most important thing is hearing that precious heartbeat!)  There is a place for medical care, but I think we give the field WAY too much credit and responsibility for the health of our newborns.
You may have noticed the similarity of the title of today's blog with another popular (understatement) book that pregnant women read.  I think I had just peed on the pregnancy test with my first baby and gotten a positive result and this book dropped out of the sky. (Actually a friend gave it to me.)  I flipped through some of the pages and realized quickly that this pregnancy "bible" could put a lot of fear into my heart.  It outlines pretty much everything that can go wrong and when you're hormonal and emotional and  it can feel like all these things are actually going to happen to you.  I'm not saying we should have a book-burning party.  I actually still have my copy, but instead of reading it cover to cover each time I'm pregnant, I use it as a resource - like a reference book.  Here's an example:  when I was pregnant with #1, I had a horrible charlie-horse cramp in my calf.  I looked in the index and found this could be common in pregnancy, I should take it easy, and eat bananas.  That was helpful to me, and I was grateful for the advice.
I love being pregnant.  Not because I don't have any of the discomforts that go along with it, but because it's amazing to me that, with very little effort on my part, there is a creation growing inside me, designed by God with a plan and a purpose.  He is the One who makes these tiny humans from a single cell and grows them until they can be in our arms.  I'm waiting with "expectation." 

My thoughts on Halloween....

Hey Friends.  We had a great little mini-vacation last week up to the beautiful mountains of Colorado.  We didn't really do anything we couldn't have done at home, but we got away from our never-ending project list, which was very refreshing. 

Well, it's Halloween, and I was thinking about the evolution of my thoughts on Halloween and thought I'd share it with you.

Growing up, Halloween was fun.  I remember my mom made this stuffed man every year with a corn-cob pipe that we called "Igor" who sat on our front porch in October.  He wasn't scary at all that I remember.  We also had the traditional cardboard cutout skeleton hanging on our door.  There may have been more decorations, but that's really all I remember.  I always joke that since I was the baby of the family by a looong way, my parents were kind of tired by the time I came around, so my brother's and sister's memories may be different than mine, but I really don't think Halloween was a "big deal."  I even wore the same Raggedy Ann costume a few years in a row in elementary school.  I'm not sure if this was my mom's idea, or if I insisted (and she probably sighed in relief.)  We lived out in the country, so I don't have really strong memories of neighborhood trick-or-treating.  All in all, I think I had a relatively normal (probably a little on the understated side) Halloween upbringing.

Fast forward to college - my sister brought home a video called "Halloween - Trick or Treat?" which goes into detail about Halloween's origins and discusses some of the awful things that happen on this day.  It was enough to make me want nothing to do with this day.  The movie was over the top probably, but it raised some really good questions:  What is with this human fascination with being scared and grossed out?  Would God really want anything to do with all this?  How can I participate in something that comes from such a horrible starting place?  These were pretty straight-forward questions for me, but I had some honest reservations, too.

Which brings me to where I am today, with a house full of children.  I came to a realization right before I became a mom that I LOVE (yeah, that's present tense:) candy and dress-up.  My biggest memories as a kid involved mainly those two things, so that's our focus.  We don't focus on anything scary.  Charlie Brown  is as scary as we go.  I have so much fun putting costumes together.  I've always tried to dress my kids with a theme, and it's SO cute.  This year we're doing Narnia.  The baby is Aslan, and the cutest is my 2 year old - he's Mr. Tumnus.  It's been a blast getting ready!
This is probably the last year I can do this because the oldest 2 kids informed me that they want to pick their own costumes next year (sniff).  Don't they realize it's all about me?!? 

I think Halloween is what you make it.  Honestly, it does come from some really bad origins, but Christmas and Easter are right up there with their questionable beginnings as well, and I'm not about to go cooky and give up all that.  I love holidays and the traditions they bring.  The way my family celebrates any given holiday is probably different than yours, but it is something we own and my kids will take those memories with them forever.  So, I want to hear your thoughts.  How do you (or do you) celebrate Halloween?  I'm off to go make sure our candy stash is safe to eat - I'm willing to sacrifice myself for a butterfinger <grin>.

Monday Musings: Box Tops, Scrapbooks, and Sports, OH MY!

How often does mom guilt make decisions for me?  Probably more than I'd like to admit, but I think I'm getting better.  I've been trying to recognize decisions in my life and whether they are based on basic responsibility, God's leading, or good, old-fashioned guilt.   Here's some examples:

Box Tops -   The times my kids have been in school (like now), their schools ask parents to collect and bring in "box tops."  The kids' schools get money from this for computers, equipment, etc.  Sounds great, right?  For some reason, these darn things cause major guilt for me (not to mention major clutter).  I had an envelope that I was keeping them in, but if I didn't get it cut off right away, the package with the box top would just get thrown on my desk.  UGH!  I made a decision last week, that for now, I'm going to let the parents with less than four children in elementary school (plus three at home) take care of this important fundraiser.  PHEW!  Much better.
Scrapbooking  -  I have an aunt (she's not a follower on here, but some of her sisters are) and for some reason, I remember when her oldest daughter, my cousin, graduated from high school, my aunt made this amazing scrapbook for my cousin that chronicled her entire life up to that point.  I thought it was so special, and even though I didn't have kids at the time, I made a mental note that this is what a good mom does.  Don't get me wrong, she is not just a good mom, she's an amazing mom!  I just realized, probably in the last year, that I was holding myself to this standard, but it was pretty much impossible that I was actually going to get 8 (at least) perfect scrapbooks done for my kids when they walk across the stage to get their high school diploma.  (Honestly, I should be more concerned with getting those 8 kids across the stage, period.)  I had an idea that brought me some much needed chill-pills.  I decided to get each child a medium sized plastic tub and put everything that is memorable in it.  We'll go through it often and decide what to keep, and maybe what should just have a picture taken, but when they walk across the stage at graduation, they will get a tub of memories (maybe I'll put some cute scrapbook stickers on the outside.)  At that point, they can decide what to keep and what their mom was silly to keep for 18 years.
Sports & Activities - This one is a little harder for me.  There are SO many things kids can be involved in, and there is so much pressure (real and imagined) to get the little tykes into all the right things.  I know one lady who, I think has 2 daughters.  She and her husband made a decision not to put the girls in anything, unless the girls specifically asked about it, unprompted by the parents.  Hmmm....it really made me think of all the times we've signed the kids up for something, and asked them after we've already decided, "Do you want to try underwater ballet?" (not really)  Usually the kids are game for anything we put them in, but it makes for some overall craziness (and admittedly, crankiness) when you're rushing from activity to activity, planning meals that can be consumed in the van.  (Don't get me started on the guilt I feel about my disgusting van interior, mainly because of these meals.)  Right now, I don't have a solution for this one.  I'm really thankful my parents live here and are willing and able to help with so many things, but as we have more kids that will be "activity age"  (this could be newborn, depending on who you talk to, but for us, 4 or 5) we will probably have to sit down and evaluate the costs, both financial and familial, for each activity.

You get the idea, right?  We get these ideas (and I know, these are mostly silly examples) of things that a good mom should be doing.  When you add all these good things together, it can make for some frazzled feelings.  It could be how you sort laundry, clean the toilets, put your kids to bed, putting your child in the right preschool...I don't know what brings you a twinge of guilt every time you don't measure up.  May I be a voice of reason and ask what I've been asking myself lately, "What's the worse thing that could happen if I don't do this a certain way?"  If the answer is "Well, nothing?"  then I can rethink the necessity of whatever task is in question.  If the answer is, "My child may lose a limb, or be scarred for life," then I should probably do whatever I'm questioning.  For the record, I can't think of too many times where that has been the answer.  So let's all take a collective sigh of relief....and here are some chill pills.  You can take 2 and call me in the morning.