Monday's Musings: The Secret of a Happy Marriage

It really probably isn't a big secret, but judging by the divorce rate in our country, I thought I'd share some of my thoughts on the subject.  Kirk and I have been married for 14 1/2 years.  Of course there have been some rough patches.  We're humans and we live in a fallen world.  I love to spend money and Kirk is, um, let's just say "frugal."  I like things at least tidy, Kirk is the king of "putting something here just for now."  (He's actually gotten better in this area - better than I have gotten better at managing money.)  Anyway, in spite of these things, we have an amazing marriage.  We are best friends and we totally get each other.  The thing that baffles me is - I'm pretty sure most other couples feel the same way when they're dating.  They love to be around each other and feel like they have found someone who they can understand and who understands them (well, guys at least try to understand women - women don't understand women).  So, what happens?
When I was in college, I had the opportunity to attend Focus on the Families Institute for Family Studies.  (It's called something different now.)  It was a semester program where we took different classes on Public Policy, Bible, and of course family related courses.  In one of the classes, we had a unit on sex in marriage.  Looking back, that's pretty funny/crazy we spent a week on the topic in a group of unmarried men and women, who were trying to live lives of purity, anyway....  We had to pick one of three books, and write a paper at the end of the unit.  I honestly can't remember the book I picked, but my roommate picked a book called The Sexual Man by Archibald Hart.  This book was based on a study the author had compiled and given to a fairly large number of pastors and strong Christian men.  All I remember is my roommate being completely shocked and pretty much in disgust about men in general after reading this.  Seeing her reaction, I thought, "Hmm...I'll have to buy that book with my amazing student discount in the bookstore, and see what all the fuss is about."  I did, and it took me probably about 6 years to actually read the book.  I had been married for most of that time, and can't say that I was as shocked as my roommate from the book, but I was intrigued by the "real-ness" the author had attempted to bring into the church in this area.  Guess what....men like sex....a lot!  Shocker, huh?  The thing this book really made clear is that this is how God created men!  For so long, I guess since the feminist movement maybe, we've been trying to make men more feminine.  They need to get in touch with their feelings and share their emotions more, be more sensitive, etc.  Well, here is another shocking statement - men and women are different.  Most women don't have sexual needs in the way our husbands do.  In the same way, we do have relational needs that most men don't require as much.  Our culture has tried, in the name of "gender equality" to make men  like women, and vice versa, but that really doesn't end well.  The point of this blog post is not to discuss "the glass ceiling" or equal salaries in the workplace...I'm talking about happy marriages here, so let's take it to the home - women and men are still different.
Right now, Kirk and I are participating in a Bible study called "Love & Respect."  The basic gist of the entire study is - God calls men to love their wives, and women to respect their husbands.  It's not that women don't need respect and men don't need love, but it's not their primary need.  If you don't believe me, check out Ephesians 5:33 where Paul says "...each one of you also must love is wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."  It's been a great learning experience to find out what it really means to respect Kirk, but in most ways, we've been very affirmed that we are doing a pretty good job of both loving and respecting each other.  This last session was presented by a woman (the rest have all been by her husband), and she said some things that I really appreciated.  A woman had told her mother that she was fed up and ready to get out of her marriage.  Her mother asked her how their love life was.  OK, that would be a little weird coming from your mom, but when the woman responded that it wasn't so great and she wasn't really interested, the mom said "Why aren't you doing something that takes so little time and makes him so happy?"  The speaker also posed the question to women in the audience, "What would happen if your husband went 3 days without talking to you? 3 weeks? 3 months?"  Most women would NOT stand for that!  For some reason, I figured this out really early in our marriage.  I realized if I made Kirk food and kept him physically satisfied, things were pretty good, and he, in turn did more to love me.  It's so beautiful how that works.
Something that someone in our Bible study said really was impacting.  She has been married and divorced twice.  Her first marriage ended with her husband cheating on her.  As an older woman, she admits she would have done many things different, but she said she has realized that she viewed her main role in their family as the "homemaker."  She made sure their house was spotless, meals were cooked, calendars were organized, etc.  She also said she and her husband were GREAT friends, she just knows now that they should have been great LOVERS, too.
Maybe this is overly simplistic -  and of course, I'm assuming people are good-hearted here - they want great marriages and there's no abuse or craziness going on - but, speaking from experience, it works.  Kirk and I are definitely not the older part of  our Bible study, but we have been married for longer than most, and have had happy years the entire time.
I guess this post is probably directed mostly at women.  I understand the demands you have placed on you.  You have a house to run, babies to care for, meals to cook, and for some of you, the responsibility of bringing home the bacon - the last thing you want to do is be sexy -  but like I mentioned before, it really doesn't take that long, and it makes him SO happy.  One other thing the speaker in our Bible Study mentioned is so true - before we get married the enemy (Satan) tries so hard to get us to have sex, after we're married, he tried so hard to get us NOT to.  In relation to this, I leave you with my other main advice I give young brides...remember that you're on the same team.  Satan is trying so hard to tear families apart and pit couples against each other, but your spouse in NOT your enemy, God gave him or her to you for you to be a team.  I would love to hear others' marriage thoughts.  Have a great Monday!